Song of response

I just wrote a very very bleak blog and erased the whole thing.

It stemmed from a two hour documentary I watched this morning, “Inside 9/11″ by the National Geographic channel. I cried through the whole thing; tears even well up now. Not that I am a huge Patriot or anything close, but I do harbor a bleeding heart for people, humanity and the little hells we experience on Earth.

In college, I used to come home from class on a regular basis, lock myself in my room, stare up at the popcorn ceiling of our apartment, and sob. Heaving, heavy, hard, loud sobs. It was my way of dealing with classes like Family Violence, Gender Inequalities and Addictions. I really felt the weight of the world then, taking it upon me like I was the world’s agent: responsible, commissioned and irreplaceable.

When I had self-talked my way out of the dark grave I’d lowered my surrendered corps into, telling myself it wasn’t only me who’d signed up for healing the world, that I had a lifetime to make a dent in the mess, I’d choose a Rosie Thomas album, push play and stare some more– this time out my window overlooking the street. Hours would pass, gazing blankly at the motions of everyday life. The latter part of this ritual, the looking-out-into-the-street part somehow restored my hope, strengthened my commitment to humanity. I don’t know why, I’m sure I could take a few guesses.

So cheers to today and to regressing back to what works. A little Rosie for you.

 

 

~ by Jen on June 1, 2009.