the look of my desk is indicative

my desk… is crazy looking today.

I’ve got ungraded math tests and personal narrative essays piled to the right, bills and government papers in their respective piles, letters that are awaiting finishing touches, my Polaroid pushed up in a corner reminding me of my more free and creative self, and my application… yes, my application. Oh God. It’s mere presence… simply writing the word: application, here, on wordpress… feels ominous. Dangerous. Like eyeing, for the first-time-on-accident, an oil spot that has leaked from the car. Uh-oh, oops, it’s out there. Just like that- in that honestly, matter-of-fact, in trouble-y feeling way.

After a year of thought, consideration, endless pro and con lists, and precise calculation (“hmm… how many years can I squeeze in before Charles and I get intentionally/unexpectedly pregnant?”) I’ve begun the application process for the UCLA doctorate program for Educational Leadership.

I don’t feel giddy, as one should on the verge of a new adventure… but rather

naughty? Like I’m doing something … well, naughty. Like sneaking back into the fridge, after we’ve said good night, brushed our teeth and nestled  into bed, for just one or two giant scoops of that delicious double layered german chocolate cake I made? Which, at this point, it perfectly chilled. That kind of naughty, but on a bigger, less endearing scale.

It’s probable that I just feel guilty. Like the way I feel when I buy tulips at the grocery store for none other than me.

I’ve used about three or four too many similes.

 Nerves have left me with few examples and words.

~ by Jen on October 4, 2009.