As I sit at my desk, looking out at the snow through transluscent drapes, I wonder, what is going on with me? And the greater question, what has taken place in my heart the past year. I know that now I am a harder, colder less contented version of myself. As I approach the New Year I feel I am entering in as an empty vessel; gutted, hungry and dazed.
Sometimes I am for certain the reality of child neglect and abuse has done it to me, is the cause of my hardness. Afterall, I’ve been shielded from it all these years. These boys, the boys I live and work with and call “my boys” are aflame with injustices done to them, hard scars on their hearts, keeping them from an outpouring of love, affection, belief in a cause, innocence, good will. Like a hot fire, I am so close to the flame, I feel I am being burned myself.
Belief in a cause, in a person, I once took such impulse for granted. But now I know- it’s hard to believe in anything when your mom tells you she’ll send you an ipod in the mail for Christmas, you wait well into February, and instead you get toilet paper in March.
Here, there is a sadness. It’s Christmas, and many will not be going home. They will be at a group home for Christmas, with their family teachers. They call and ask anyone– aunts, uncles, grandparents: “can I come for Christmas?” And there is silence on the other end of the line. After a while of asking, they get an answer, they hang up. They come to us from the phone, yes, they can go with grandpa, as long as they, the child, can fork out the gas money- grandpa aint no money bags.
We will be leaving to come home to California days before Christmas. In time to wrap beautiful packages for the two caring families we have there. And they will be waiting for us, waiting with open arms, while “my boys” silently open donated packages marked “boy” on the side in permanent marker.
oh Jen…
Oh, I don’t *know* what you mean… but I know. Dear heart, I hope this new year has been fruitful and beautiful so far.
You are like Jo in ‘Little Men’ and ‘Jo’s Boys’. Utterly and completely. What a woman you are!
Jen, I just read this post with tears. I know what you mean. For 2 years I showed up every Friday afternoon at a community room in a housing project to spend a couple of hours with the children that lived there. With puppets, skits, stories and songs I tried to encourage, inspire and teach them about compassion, purpose in life and show them love and affection. I will probably never know if any of the seeds took root. I still think of those children and send up a prayer every once in a while.
My children were small when I was doing what I could to “heal the world” and while I can’t know how I impacted the housing project children, I know it made and impact on my children. Sometimes I think this is where “healing the world” begins. In our own little sphere of influence and it spreads from there. I am reminded of a Pete Seeger song I used to sing
THE GARDEN SONG
Inch by inch, row by row,
Gonna make this garden grow.
Gonna mulch it deep and low,
Gonna make it fertile ground.
Inch by inch, row by row,
Please bless these seeds I sow.
Please keep them safe below
‘Til the rain comes tumbling down.
Please keep sowing those seeds in the hearts of the children that have the priviledge to know you .
Blessings,
Sherry